Wow. It's been five months since I have been on here. So much has happened since then. The most important happened to be the Dallas Poetry Grand Slam. I cannot even express how much I enjoyed myself competing with the rest of the poets (though I didn't win, but next year I will). The poetry spit that night was just what I needed in my life. So in honor of the poets, and my mentor Joaquin Zihuatenejo (who actually told me to write about something that I haven't before) here is a new poem called Silent Assassin. Disclaimer: This poem does reflect any thoughts or expressions of myself as I am today.
"Silent Assassin"
They didn't expect him to do it.
Even now, three weeks after his death
nobody will ever know.
Except his mother, because the last image
she saw of her son was when she walked
into his room and saw his hanging body
in his closet, the force of a thousand silent
screams was like a thousand silent knives
stabbing straight into her soul
Even now she remains on his bed.
Silent.
Holding the letter he left behind on his pillow.
"Dear mom,
If you are reading this, then the pain that i have
endured for the last 5 years has finally gotten too
much for me to bear.
The pain of looking into a father's eyes and seeing not love but disappointment
the pain of feigning interest so people would stop calling me weird
behind my back.
The stress of knowing your life is going south
and the heartbreak knowing that you would be hurt in the process
So I am sorry.
I'm sorry that I closed the door on your sunshine and made darkness my best friend
and this darkness was my friend and my assassin in the end
I'm sorry that even though you saw me smiling, you couldn't hear my soul screaming inside
"HELP ME!"
Trying to escape the darkness.
Beating myself half to life so I wouldn't drown in my own failures
So don't cry mom.
This is the only way to free myself from the pain
Remember what you told me: "The darkness hold nothing for those that still live"
So live, love, and try to be happy
I love you"
They didn't expect him to do it.
But very few expect
SUICIDE
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Memories of the Lost
It's funny how certain things you see can trigger so may memories. Like a picture, or a place, or even a smell can make those most obscure things so much more sentimental than most people would think. I was watching One Tree Hill tonight and the episode had to do a lot with death and how to prepare for it and how to cope after the fact. This reminded me of my grandfather and when we lost him June 14, 2005: two days after my birthday.
I had just gotten home from a late night at work (I was a night shift dock worker at the time so it was a normal custom that I would get in around 4:30am every night.) My dad heard me come in and knocked at my door. When he told me, it was like someone hit me in the chest. And that night was the only time in my entire life that I have ever cried myself to sleep. He was 93 years old, and I wish I could live so long.
I know this may sound cynical, but when most people call a funeral a "celebration of life", to me it only emphasizes the absence of the life lost. When my uncle died my Junior year of high school, his absence was felt, and still is even to this day. His even more so since he died December 17, 2002: a week before Christmas.
But through my cynicism, I believe that we should not put all of our focus on the death as much as the memories you have of their life and the good they did and the impact they had on your life, because that - in and of itself - is the true celebration: a lasting positive impact people's lives.
I've been to four funerals in my life, which my not seem like a big number to most, but it's big enough. I always have a habit of playing one song on repeat for the entire day. It is "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men. Whenever I play that song, it makes me feel like I am paying tribute to the memories of the family and friends that we touched by them. And that makes me happy to know that I have that power.
I had just gotten home from a late night at work (I was a night shift dock worker at the time so it was a normal custom that I would get in around 4:30am every night.) My dad heard me come in and knocked at my door. When he told me, it was like someone hit me in the chest. And that night was the only time in my entire life that I have ever cried myself to sleep. He was 93 years old, and I wish I could live so long.
I know this may sound cynical, but when most people call a funeral a "celebration of life", to me it only emphasizes the absence of the life lost. When my uncle died my Junior year of high school, his absence was felt, and still is even to this day. His even more so since he died December 17, 2002: a week before Christmas.
But through my cynicism, I believe that we should not put all of our focus on the death as much as the memories you have of their life and the good they did and the impact they had on your life, because that - in and of itself - is the true celebration: a lasting positive impact people's lives.
I've been to four funerals in my life, which my not seem like a big number to most, but it's big enough. I always have a habit of playing one song on repeat for the entire day. It is "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men. Whenever I play that song, it makes me feel like I am paying tribute to the memories of the family and friends that we touched by them. And that makes me happy to know that I have that power.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Work in Progress - Word War II
Okay, so I am doing a follow-up of my first poem, Word War I. It's not finished but comments will definitely help. Enjoy!
Hiroshima hazard wastelands
engulf united minds as swift
as war was declared yet again
corrupted intentions sign
martial law to these once promising
frames of minds
Media vultures are circling again.
They smell fresh minds to corrupt
as our youth look at the TV, wide eyed
and innocent, to pictures of false grandeur;
to the objectification for emasculation
resulting in cultural masturbation
on old and open lacerations upon
history as dark as our skin color
Get the money
fuck the hoes
save that love shit
for another day
'cause these drugs ain't
gon' sell themselves
on the corner
I wish I could give you this feeling
I wish I could give you this feeling
This...constant feeling of disappointment
of pressing red Staples buttons
Any suggestions or comments will be gratefully accepted.
Hiroshima hazard wastelands
engulf united minds as swift
as war was declared yet again
corrupted intentions sign
martial law to these once promising
frames of minds
Media vultures are circling again.
They smell fresh minds to corrupt
as our youth look at the TV, wide eyed
and innocent, to pictures of false grandeur;
to the objectification for emasculation
resulting in cultural masturbation
on old and open lacerations upon
history as dark as our skin color
Get the money
fuck the hoes
save that love shit
for another day
'cause these drugs ain't
gon' sell themselves
on the corner
I wish I could give you this feeling
I wish I could give you this feeling
This...constant feeling of disappointment
of pressing red Staples buttons
Any suggestions or comments will be gratefully accepted.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Years Cleansing
A friend of mine suggested that I bear my soul to you all in the spirit of a new year/decade. So I will continue to do just that. I think that writing down everything that has been going on in my life has really helped me deal with some things.
I can't even believe that it has been so long since I last posted a blog! I assure you, I have been so busy that I really haven't had time to really think until recently. Well schools out on break, thank goodness. Because my teachers felt the need to have my finals spanning two weeks instead of one, I really didn't get a lot of sleep from that time until the weekend after. That weekend I saw my cousin graduate from Prairie View A&M with his bachelor's in electrical engineering (proud of you homie!). Seeing him graduate put me in a reflective mood. Once again, I didn't pass my senior review, so I won't graduate this spring, which really has driven me to questions some things about the curriculum in the program. I mean, how can anybody else really judge your art and say it's not worthy of recognition? nobody except maybe God. I believe that the only rule to art there should would be to follow your heart and trust your instincts, because then that pen, pencil, brush, charcoal, or whatever medium you use touches that paper or canvas, that's all that matters. Follow your instincts, think with your head, and let your heart guide your hand.
Well this Christmas marked the first official Christmas without my dad. I must, say it was awkward at first because every year he would get up and bang on everybody's door to wake us up. Then he would make a a speech about how we have to be grateful that we were blessed with a Christmas because there are so many people more unfortunate than us. But this year was a bitter one because of my parents divorce. My dad is trying to get half of my mom's hard earned money because he is too lazy to get out and find a job of his own. My mom earned that money herself and was saving up for a time when things might turn. like now since she was laid off from her job and hasn't been able to find work as of late. It just irks me that my dad leaves and he didn't have any money to him and is now living with his brother because it's easy and cheap (aka free), and he expects so much for doing so little. Why can he not look past his own reflection and think about others for a change? I guess when you stop caring it's hard to start again. I know that feeling all too well.
But in the spirit on the new year, this marks a new path for me, one that I won't look back on because I know in my heart that the decisions I have made are the right ones. And even if they were the wrong ones, I will still take it in stride because that that's you're supposed to do when life throws a curve ball at you.
Aiight! That's it for this edition of "Skech My Dreams". Happy New Year! Until next time - Keep your creativity close, let your imagination run, live for the moment, and always have fun.
I can't even believe that it has been so long since I last posted a blog! I assure you, I have been so busy that I really haven't had time to really think until recently. Well schools out on break, thank goodness. Because my teachers felt the need to have my finals spanning two weeks instead of one, I really didn't get a lot of sleep from that time until the weekend after. That weekend I saw my cousin graduate from Prairie View A&M with his bachelor's in electrical engineering (proud of you homie!). Seeing him graduate put me in a reflective mood. Once again, I didn't pass my senior review, so I won't graduate this spring, which really has driven me to questions some things about the curriculum in the program. I mean, how can anybody else really judge your art and say it's not worthy of recognition? nobody except maybe God. I believe that the only rule to art there should would be to follow your heart and trust your instincts, because then that pen, pencil, brush, charcoal, or whatever medium you use touches that paper or canvas, that's all that matters. Follow your instincts, think with your head, and let your heart guide your hand.
Well this Christmas marked the first official Christmas without my dad. I must, say it was awkward at first because every year he would get up and bang on everybody's door to wake us up. Then he would make a a speech about how we have to be grateful that we were blessed with a Christmas because there are so many people more unfortunate than us. But this year was a bitter one because of my parents divorce. My dad is trying to get half of my mom's hard earned money because he is too lazy to get out and find a job of his own. My mom earned that money herself and was saving up for a time when things might turn. like now since she was laid off from her job and hasn't been able to find work as of late. It just irks me that my dad leaves and he didn't have any money to him and is now living with his brother because it's easy and cheap (aka free), and he expects so much for doing so little. Why can he not look past his own reflection and think about others for a change? I guess when you stop caring it's hard to start again. I know that feeling all too well.
But in the spirit on the new year, this marks a new path for me, one that I won't look back on because I know in my heart that the decisions I have made are the right ones. And even if they were the wrong ones, I will still take it in stride because that that's you're supposed to do when life throws a curve ball at you.
Aiight! That's it for this edition of "Skech My Dreams". Happy New Year! Until next time - Keep your creativity close, let your imagination run, live for the moment, and always have fun.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Crunch Time
So this year has been a year of changes and I feel like I have grown more in one year than I have the past two years. A lot of things have changed: New city, new apartment, new possibilities that I would never have thought I would have been blessed to have. But while things are working in my favor, there are some things that stay the same for the wrong reasons. Every year that I have been in college, whenever it gets to the mid-semester point, I would hit a wall. I'd stop going to class. I wouldn't do my homework, and I would do the bare minimum just to get by. And that was fine with me.....back then.
But this semester will be different. I am working through the wall because there is more on the line this time around. And it's not just a grade or a point on my GPA. It's my life. And these are the days that will affect the rest of my life and how I go about doing things. And that is worth putting everything I have into making sure things go the way I want them to. You can win anything unless you're willing to make the effort and put in the work.
But this semester will be different. I am working through the wall because there is more on the line this time around. And it's not just a grade or a point on my GPA. It's my life. And these are the days that will affect the rest of my life and how I go about doing things. And that is worth putting everything I have into making sure things go the way I want them to. You can win anything unless you're willing to make the effort and put in the work.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Overcoming Disappontments
Wow...this came at the right time. I received this message on Facebook after getting some disappointing news that my parents have finally filed for divorce and that my father has decided to use the money that should have gone to me after my car was totaled as the means to pay for the divorce. It's just a sad thing when you even trust your own family members. I literally made list of the people in my life that I can, without a doubt in my mind, trust completely and trust me, it's not long. Only 11 people made the cut. Well anyways, I was starting to get upset when this message came to me. It is entitled "Overcoming Disappointments":
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)
TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.
If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
I hope this elightens you and offers guidance in some parts of your lives, because it did for me.
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)
TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.
If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
I hope this elightens you and offers guidance in some parts of your lives, because it did for me.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Millisecond Glance
Our eyes meet and
for one millisecond...
time stops...
nothing moving.
nothing matters
but the electricity between
2 pair of glassy eyed stares
rapt in vigorous conversation
divulging secrets we dare not
tell aloud...
secrets of heartache and unclosed
doors and requited but unreturned love...
then the moment breaks.
and we look away knowing
that in the history of moments
there will never be another
like it. From one millisecond
glance, we know each other better
than we could have anticipated
and the air will forever hold
our secret…forever…
for one millisecond...
time stops...
nothing moving.
nothing matters
but the electricity between
2 pair of glassy eyed stares
rapt in vigorous conversation
divulging secrets we dare not
tell aloud...
secrets of heartache and unclosed
doors and requited but unreturned love...
then the moment breaks.
and we look away knowing
that in the history of moments
there will never be another
like it. From one millisecond
glance, we know each other better
than we could have anticipated
and the air will forever hold
our secret…forever…
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